Mediate First!

Reaching People Who Need Help

bobmediates — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 15:07:11 +0000

Being a mediator is kind of like being a salesman with a great product, but with no way of reaching customers. I hope that all of us, who believe in mediation and who know that it is a better choice than litigation, will get out and take the time to educate everyone and anyone about how mediation works and why it should be the first choice people turn to when they cannot resolve their own disputes. Mediation is a viable first choice. It is private. It is confidential. And, it allows the parties to craft their own resolution.

Mediation has a thousand applications

bobmediates — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 01:17:29 +0000

Just as there are a thousand things (or more) people can disagree about, there are a thousand applications for mediation. But, how to get people to think that way? How do I get people to stop and think about trying mediation before they call an attorney or go to small claims court, or file for divorce, or tear up that contract, or fire that employee, or transfer that manager, or stop calling that business, or cut that customer loose? Its like trying to get people to think in a different way – kind of like if we decided to drive on the left side of the road in the U.S. instead of the right. Mediation really works if people would only try it!

Two ears and one mouth

bobmediates — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 22:02:19 +0000

I remember someone telling me that we should listen twice as much as we speak because God gave us two ears and one mouth. Listening is perhaps the most important skill a mediator can possess, and certainly, what every mediator hopes the participants will do in a mediation. Active listening means hearing and thinking about what the other person is saying. Don’t get caught up in that trap of watching their mouth move and hearing noise but concentrating on what you are going to say next in rebuttal. Turn off the machine, turn down the internal noise, and listen, with care and interest to the other person. You may find that you are not so far apart as you thought you were. Certainly, you will learn why the other person feels the way they do about the situation. But, it requires taking down your defenses and simply listening without worrying about or framing a response until the other person is done. Try it. Try it at home with your spouse of children. You will get good results, I promise. And, as your skill increases, you will find you are more aware of what goes on around you, and you will feel more a part of it. You will make better decisions, and have better relationships…because you will be a person who listens! Active listening will make mediation work more effectively, and, it will open up the path toward a constructive and positive resolution…listen first, then, if you need to, talk.

Mediation as a First Choice

bobmediates — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 20:47:53 +0000

I think the question that most mediators ask is how to get people to turn to them first, before a lawsuit is filed. It doesn’t matter if the issue is divorce or a car crash, before those papers hit the clerk’s office, why not try to mediate a settlement. The funny thing is that there is no downside. If you reach an agreement, then all is well. If you don’t, you can still go to court and nothing is lost. The mediation is confidential. I wonder if it is because people don’t know that they can engage in a private resolution of their conflicts?

Pride goeth before an agreement

bobmediates — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 14:54:53 +0000

It disturbs me that my first thought, and I think this is a common trait, when we feel offended is to seek justification. Is there some sort of primal connection to our survival instinct that makes us seek retaliation as a first resort? Or, is it simply hubris – does our pride force us to seek out some action that will restore us to a state of perceived equality? But, then, what is the origin of that pride, after all? Perhaps pride is simply a word defined by our fear of being less able to compete – back to survival. In the end, this is the hardest emotion to overcome in a mediation. It takes a lot to move some one past their need for justification and saving face. But, once people can leave that behind, or at least set it aside, moving toward identifying the needs and interests of the parties and then brainstorming conditions that can meet those needs, gets everyone’s energy moving in the right direction.

A rose is a rose is a rose

bobmediates — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 19:34:06 +0000

A mediator is a mediator is a mediator – and a skilled mediator who knows how to facilitate for the participants in a mediation can handle almost any type of mediation. Unfortunately, some attorneys and others looking for a mediator, want a mediator who has years of experience in a certain field. Often, someone, even a former Judge, who has years of experience, may not have the skills to mediate. A mediator needs to be able to get out of the way of the participants, not solve their problem for them. An experienced attorney in business litigation, or a Judge who sat in Chancery Court for years, may know the law and how a certain situation might play out in trial, but that does not, nor should it, define the outcome of the mediation. One of the foundational principles of the mediation process is that the participants design a final outcome that meets their needs – this definition excludes the expectations or preconceived notions of the mediator. So, when you are choosing a mediator, look for someone who can get out of the way of his own experience and knowledge and let the participants solve their problems with his facilitation. Rather, choose a person with no experience in the area of the conflict who knows how to properly facilitate a mediation over someone with years of experience in the topical area who wants to solve the conflict his or her own way and really doesn’t listen to the participants.

Mediation is Counter-Cultural

bobmediates — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 15:56:45 +0000

Mediation, as is peacemaking, is counter-cultural. Our society is programmed for battle. In every area, people tend to look for offense. We have news shows and radio shows that are unabashedly biased and champion one viewpoint over another – provoking polarization. People are taught to negotiate by digging in, entrenching themselves in a position, sticking their fingers in their ears whenever the other party talks like a child saying “I can’t hear you,” over and over. Mediation challenges this notion and says that conflict can resolve peacefully if we take time to listen to each other, respect each others point of view, and consider a solution that meets the interests of both parties. I believe this approach can apply to individual conflicts, business conflicts and conflicts between nations. The hardest thing is getting people to agree to set aside their pride and look across the table. I believe we are at a point of crisis in our society and if we don’t start looking for solutions like mediation – which is an interest based, conflict resolution technique, we are going to continue to dissolve into more and more polarized factions.

Do you know what mediation is?

bobmediates — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 21:52:36 +0000

At the risk of starting out too simply, I will start out too simply. I wonder how many people actually know what mediation is? So, as a threshold question, in under 250 words – tell me what you think mediation is and how it works! Feel free to share your experiences with it if you have any.

Mediate First

bobmediates — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 21:35:31 +0000

Conflict exists all around us and travels with us everyday. Yet, instead of learning better ways to deal with it, we become more polarized. I spent a number of years of my life fighting in the trenches in courts both in New York City and in Tennessee, and I can tell you…there are no winners. I don’t care if you are fighting over a marriage, kids, custody, money, a contract, a business breakup, an employee dispute, a slip and fall, or a medical malpractice…please, for you sake, for your sanity…mediate first…find a skilled person who knows how to conduct a collaborative (working together to resolve the issues) mediation and get started…bring your attorney if you have one, or have your attorney schedule it…you remain in control, it is confidential, and, if it works you have saved countless hours of time and money and perhaps even preserved a relationship…don’t hesitate, mediate first!

Hello world!

bobmediates — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 20:55:58 +0000

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